In Which the Protagonist Gathers Tools of Self-Deception
Last night, I spent a considerable amount of time on Amazon.com making a list of books that I want to get my grubby little hands on before September. There are presently 34ish books on that list, and really, that's only the beginning. Once I get started on books, there's no hope for me, or for my checking account.
I quell my fears with knowledge. It makes me feel prepared, capable and intelligent, whether I actually am or not. False confidence is better than no confidence, eh? And the more I stuff into my brain, the better. It keeps me occupied and prevents the tearing out of my hair.
Honestly, at this point in time, I feel completely unprepared for student teaching, and I'm anxious that I only have these few months to get prepared. And even then, I'm concerned that there really is no preparation; that I just have to jump into the experience and hope to keep my head above water for 14 weeks. That's why I'm obsessing stressing about it so much, I think. I don't like being thrown into the pool to teach me how to swim. I think that experience when I was four and my aunt threw me into the pool to teach me how to swim sorta poisoned it for me. Ha.
People have asked me why I'm so uptight about the whole thing, and that's it. I'm not the kind of person who maintains my grace and poise under machinegun fire while being observed by veteran soldiers. My repetitive string of bad metaphors reveals the true depths of my anxiety. But seriously. I lack that one crucial teacher quality - thinking on my feet. I don't know if that's something that you pick up along the way, or if it's just something for which I am going to have to compensate with other stellar qualities. Or, if it's something that's going to end my teaching career before it even begins.
In any case, I figure the more I have stored in the back of my brain, the better. It will reduce the need for me to be brilliant all on my own, with short notice. Not eliminate it entirely; I understand this. But reduce it. Reduce, reduce.
And that's why I spent an hour in Barnes & Noble today fawning over books that I want, mostly expensive treatises on differentiating instruction and how not to freak out in front of your inclusive classroom. And why my mother bought me a gift certificate from there for my birthday and is going to give it to me early so that I can go in and get a 25% discount this week. It's their educator's week; I just have to bring in my pay stub, and I'm good to go. It ends the day after my birthday, but my mom wanted to give me time to fondle everything in the aisle and hem and haw about making a decision.
Does she know me, or what?
But I bet sometimes she wishes she didn't. Like when I'm venting to her and not this blog.
posted by Ms. Frazzled @ 8:25 PM
6 Comments:
Opulently I assent to but I think the brief should prepare more info then it has.
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